Day One

“Ron, Jesus is falling off the cross again!” Robbie yells to Ron to get busy. Ron says some chewing gum under the armpit should solve it and McFall suggests that I be the one to sacrifice and test God's wrath as the only Jew in the room. I am one of the chosen people. I’m not very handy though. "All Day" Paul sits down and announces a name change to "All Done."

The retreat has yet to start and here we are. What’s the topic? Spiritual Principles and the twelve steps. Emotional maturity may be discussed as well. Well, we’ll see about that…

We start in the usual way. Fighting over rooms or roommates. I learn that I was coveted by several people and this immediately puts me at ease. I thought Ron ditched me after years together for his old roommate BACK FROM THE NORTH and come to find that my sleeping/snoring services were requested by none other than Triple GGG himself. Now I feel special. Perspective. And thank the heavens Jeff is home.

Gregg reminds us there are animals in the rooms and outside the rooms. Look out for pythons, anacondas and quilters. Check. Check. Triple check. He reminds us to pray for those who have come and gone. OB, Doc, Graham, Alvaro Enrique Rivas Bernal, Schmoul, Jersey Jack, Bob Burns, Nick, just to name a few.

For those that we wish were here, yet could not be with us. Most importantly, our buddy Johnny B. Johnny was all set to come until life intervened. Hoping he can still make tomorrow. Watching my friend deal with “in sickness and in health” part of the vow with dignity and grace and also frustration and anguish. I wish I could take it away for my friend.

His second soulmate Scott rode solo up on his bike upholding the Team Stupid tradition, calling out Schmoul’s name as he powered up through the smoke on Schmoul Hill, the ride's most difficult climb. The rest of Team Stupid drove. In cars. And trucks. And EV's. We are here nonetheless.

Gregg’s intro tonight reminds me that we’ve been doing this retreat thing together for 21 years. Pretty amazing to have one great friend. To have so many is really quite something.

Gregg introduces the retreat leader Michael Powers. Michael had little notice yet somehow found time to prepare a power point presentation, have handouts printed, a schedule prepped and printed, create a website, a slightly more professional camera equipment setup than Robbie or yours truly have supplied previously. I heard he also hung a door, rebuilt a deck, and put in a skylight -- but I can neither confirm nor deny this.

Sobriety Date is February 6, 1990. Sober on the 6th. I like him already.

Michael reminds me that we all have a purpose. A primary purpose at that! To stay sober and help others. It’s just that simple. Do I forget that? Michael tells the harrowing tale of being caught red handed by his wife while he guzzled vodka hidden under the sink. “I know how this looks, but it’s not what you think.” Amazing example of radical denial. Identification is complete.

Michael comes out throwing 95 with movement. Some gems I wrote down: ok, I may have written everything down.

We can control it or enjoy it. But not both. You choose. No longer able to.

Translated sobriety into a language I could understand. Language of the heart. Stay in your heart.

Keys to a good retreat leader -- come up with a topic you want to learn more about.

Ok, I just took a two hour break talking with Triple GGG. Kids. Grandkids. Parenthood. College. Golf. Scholarships. Empty nests. Laughing. Very little crying. Maybe a little crying.

Back to work. It’s now officially Day 2.

More quotes. More gems on night one from Michael.

A new pair of glasses. One of my favorite books from early sobriety. Alvaro gave me a copy for my 6th birthday, actually.

Letting go of judging. The same house and the same job -- same situation. Totally new perspective. A new pair of glasses found. At least a new prescription.

What are principles? A deep fundamental truth that is always true. Bigger than people or circumstance.

The Pink Floyd effect. How spirit flows into the world through us. Like a prism. Light comes in and beautiful colors come out. Turning Light into rainbows. Gods grace comes in and refracts into a beautiful rainbow of principles: Abundance, balance, beauty, freedom, joy, love, order, peace, power, unity, wholeness, wisdom.

Am I feeling down? Pray for joy. Running from the stick? Try running towards the carrot. I love that. Abundance. It will show up when I need it.

How often do I worry about what I do not have or what I might lose? I need to spend more time in trust and faith.

So, Step 1: the identification step. Step one Complete. Tomorrow, Steps 2-12.

More to learn and uncover.

Integrity. To have wholeness. Integer. A whole number. Complete. I’m reminded of my friend Rand that taught me to circle things in my day planner instead of crossing them off. Circles symbolize integrity. A circuit is integrated. Complete. Learning to build integrity one task at a time and visually seeing my integrity grow from within.

Willingness. Willing to drive Ponytail to Walmart tonight. All I needed was willingness. Then recruit Jeff and Ron to go and let Jeff drive. But I was willing.

LOVE means...

Listen

Overlook

Value

Encourage

 Is that the type of partner/ friend/ husband/ father I have become?

What are the building blocks of my sobriety? What’s holding me up? If I remodel, what walls can I renove completely? What needs to stay to avoid collapse?

“I want what you have.”

“If that’s the case, it quite possibly may involve some gambling and prostitutes.”

Sounds promising.

We talk about the Oxford Group. The predecessor to our club. The four absolutes: honesty purity unselfishness love. Me in a nutshell right there. Honestly, It’s like reading my bio. What’s next? The four spiritual practices: surrender to God. Confession. Restitution. Guidance. Basically the twelve steps condensed to four.

I’m basically just regurgitating every note I wrote that Michael said or wrote. Not much original thought here but so much great stuff tonight I don’t know where to stop.

Help my customers become more successful. Being of service. To everyone. That should be my goal. At work. At home. With friends and family.

God doesn’t keep score. He’s not into the math. Oh, thank God!

Gregg is lightly snoring. Night is upon us at the Vina. Time to rest. Recover. Regenerate. We have far to go still. One step at a time. We got this. I got this. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.

Good night to all.

Good night Johnny B. Good night Gail. More later.

Matt Talbot Day 2/3

Just in from the meeting. Five hours later the meeting has ended. Burning desires went a tad bit long. It’s now officially Sunday and 12:16 am. Just starting to write for the night. This might be challenging. I was going to go to bed to write but I didn’t want to miss out on the fun and frivolity that is the after-meeting meeting.

Where do I start to recap today? How can I summarize this last 16 hours? I guess go backward, start from breakfast and work my way forward.

Ron announces that he would like to be referred to in writing as THE Ron. So we have RON and THE Ron. Dave tells me he’s isolating a bit because he has a cold, not anxiety. Big steps for this alcoholic if you remember back to his first retreat sitting by the door, ready to make a break for it. He did sit right across from me at breakfast this morning though. I start to feel a cold coming.

"All Day" Paul reads the prayer of St Francis. Where there is doubt, may I bring faith. Where there is sadness, joy.

 Amen. All day.

Michael mines more gold.

All great spirituality is about pain. We learn to transform it. Or we learn to transmit it.

Pain is invaluable. Pain tells us that something needs to heal.

I need to heal after this weekend. Staying up this late is ridiculous. I don’t know whose idea this was.

Steps 2,3 and 11. The spirituality steps

The last 11 steps are about transforming my life.

I can’t drink like I used to. I can’t stop when  I want to. But next time will be different. Insanity that Seamus talked about. Were you sober when you walked into the liquor store? Were you sober when you opened the bottle? Were you sober when you lifted the bottle to drink again knowing what you know about drinking? Insanity proceeds the first drink. Obsession and compulsion drives us there.

Transformation from insanity to sanity.

There is a God and it’s not me.

Sven can fix the Saab! Over the bridge. Turn my Saab over to the care of Sven.

How well do you want to be? Just like "Hurry Up" Jim used to say, how free do you want to be?

If I skip one day I notice it. If I skip two days the orchestra notices it. If I skip three days everyone notices it. So I practice every day.

God, help me be a clear transparent channel of your love, your life, your wisdom and your power. (Michael’s Prayer)

Start your day over. This reminds me of someone.

I used to have a friend.

I know, difficult to imagine but seriously, I had a friend that called me every morning. He had a big important job and a secretary and a big office and she would hand him a cup of coffee as he walked in every morning. He would tell me how his day started off terrible. I would encourage him to start his day over. He took it literally and would walk out of the office down the hallway and take a deep breath and come right back and greet the secretary again as if he had not yet been there.

“Good morning Louise!”

Once she realized he wasn’t completely insane after he let her in on the secret that his wise beyond his years friend had imparted on him, she gleefully played along. Greeting him with a smile and fresh cup. A moment to laugh at himself a bit and not take it all so seriously.

You might want to apologize. You might want to buy flowers on the way home. Good advice.

Step 11

My conscience is like a smoke alarm. It keeps going off so I take the battery out. Sure we have peace and quiet, but now the house can burn down. Yay! Ron later asks if I have fire insurance. Now he’s just taking shots at me.

Conscious contact -- instead of making contact, maybe I should stay in contact. My personal connection can be as good as the cell service and WiFi signal here. I’ve figured it out! I have faulty WiFi. Fucking Verizon…

Have you reconnected with your higher power? Today I did. John the cook making turkey for all. He lost the connection. I feel reconnected when I write. Don’t lose the signal. Keep writing. Keep making that conscious contact. Forcing myself to plug in my spiritual power tools. That’s the only way they work.

Relationships are not 60-40 or 50-50. It’s 100-100. ALL IN. It’s not quid pro quo.... If you do this, I’ll do that. Nope. I need to give it 100. I have to have a relationship with God. Sponsees. The program. My wife. My son. All my relations. Aho mitayke oyasin!

100% committed. ALL IN. I have not been all in for quite some time. Time to jump in with both feet.

Louisville on 4th and Walnut realization. If we could only see the light in us all? Everyone is shining. Drop my judgement and the light in me sees the light in you. Namaste.

Ok, now for a card trick? Who is this guy? David Blaine? Is he literally great at everything? Pick a card. Any card. All Day Paul deals one from the bottom of the deck. Follow your suit.

Queen of diamonds.

The diamonds. Six diamonds. Number 6.

RON!

The Ron

Thomas

Alfred

John

Doug

Am I planting the same seeds and expecting a different plant to grow?

Alfred: Shame. Shame. Shame. A beautiful man who is willing to help everyone else cannot seem to offer it to himself. Now that’s a shame.

Ron: ripped the motor off his 3 week old speed boat. Life changed. Powers greater than him at work. I don’t plant the right seeds and the weeds show up. No flowers. Willingness is the key.

Thomas: finding HIS OWN GOD. NATURE. Reminded of insanity.

John: sharing his truth and finding healing and understanding, self worth.

The Ron: learning to listen to others. Ok, we kinda ran out of time. Sorry The Ron! Back to more meeting notes!

Steps 4, 5, 6,7 and 10

Remove what’s blocking Sunlight of Spirit

Causes and conditions: separation from God, others.

Maximum usefulness, not personal happiness.

Inventory:

Assets vs liabilities-(old thinking)

Actual vs Expected (new map for territory)

Defects defense mechanisms, poor coping skills

Life is like hockey. On and off, no stopping.

AA is football. Diagram a play. How did it work? Make changes. Draw up some new plays. Assets and liabilities. What works? What is not serving me? Recovery. What is worth keeping in inventory. What should we get rid of. Do you know about Shrinkage? What is this Seinfeld? What we thought we have but we actually don’t. Oh, that kind of shrinkage. Poor inventory control. Got it.

I didn’t realize I stepped on the toes of others. I just saw the retaliation. I didn’t transform it. I transmitted.

The protector. The hero. The fireworks display. Guilt from not protecting his siblings. Their experience was totally different. Carrying pain for years needlessly, but a true turning point.

Always thought it was the container that mattered. It’s what’s IN the container! I shined up the container and worried about what the container looked like and how it was decorated. I neglected to pay attention to what I put inside and spent a lot of years empty where it truly mattered most.

Character defects. In what ways do I transmit my pain to those around me?

Name it, claim it, tame it. Uncover, discover, discard. Practice the opposite. Be like George Costanza. Do the opposite.

“While she’s gone, why don’t we work on you?”

“How would that help??” Brilliant.

When I feel insecure in a relationship I try to control the relationship.

Sit in the front seat of the bus! No, go to the back! Great metaphor. Let you be you. What’s best for you may not really serve me or be what’s best for me. But I am willing to help you be you. I can point out a few things for you if you like…

Five truths:

• Life is hard
• You are not important
• Your life is not about you
• You are not in control
• You are going to die

It’s good to have a good death. Geez, these are tough life lessons. This card shark is really pulling no punches.

Here he goes with the cards again!

7 of diamonds

The Ron stuck in the past and missing the present. Time to grow up. Peter Pan.

Pauly lama: doing step 10 at night. Nightly inventory. Sees the liabilities clearly. Misses the assets.

Alfred: passes to listen

Sam he is: humor to cover his insecurities. Grief of loss.

Ponytail: SPT loss. I can’t say what he said but knowing that the best man I know has regret for some behavior makes me feel better somehow. Pauly steps in and flips it completely for Scotty and maybe hopefully permanently. There really is not a much better one of us than he.

David: stepping on toes and they retaliate. Maybe he is a tad bit sarcastic?

Doug: who knows what he had to say? Nobody was listening any longer really.

More food and an unexpected phone call from my prodigal son and golf prodigy, Alex?! What’s up? Dak Prescott had season ending surgery? This is big news as we are fantasy football bros as well as father and son. You are 4 under through 14? Even bigger news than Dak. He texts me later that he finishes 3 under and played meh… can you imagine? My boy…nearly eighteen years ago Gregg was by my side when I heard he was coming into my life. Eighteen years later he kicks my ass in every sport including fantasy ones. No greater joy than to be a father to this budding superstar.

Ok, back to the retreat!

Picture time! Where’s Kevin?! Kevin!?! Three second timer. Tripod setup. Push the button. Now run! Oh wait. 10 second timer. All is well! Smile and wave.

Afternoon Session notes.

Ultimately, it’s about becoming vulnerable

In order to heal a relationship I cannot come in defensive. What was the exact nature of our harm?

Vulnerability -- capable of being wounded. Spiritual harm can be healed by a power greater than me.

Look them in the eyes.

Can I talk to you about something? Make a statement to make time to talk and focus.

Share about a big amends you were hesitant to do. Tough amends. Being vulnerable.

More card tricks.

4 of spades

All Day Paul

Thomas

GGG

Me

John

Alfred

Pauly lama

Ninth step notes stay anonymous. Great sharing by all. I will say "All Day" Paul came off the top rope with a great share and led to some wonderful discussions. My experience: when one man gets real honest, it ratchets up the sharing around the circle.

We eat. Again. We cheer for the cooks. Alfred finds a new recruit and searches for a book to give away. Alfred being Alfred.

We hang out and gather before the Saturday meeting and something amazing happens. RON does something RON LIKE. Something seemingly simple yet utterly brilliant. He suggests that someone should share their story. An impromptu speaker meeting while we wait for the marathon meeting to begin. Trevor? Well, why not?

Trevor sharing his story. What a story he tells. I’ve never heard the room so quiet. It was absolutely Amazing. He shares as if he was the main speaker and had rehearsed it for months.

First Ron miraculously heals Jesus and now this. The rare Double mitzvah. Only Captain Ron. My old roommate.

Saturday night AA meeting notes... hours one two and three.

13 years to Andy: he lost his voice but found it again here.

24 years to GGG: I talk mostly about myself but eventually bring things back around to Gregg. Eventually. Ok, ok. I’m getting to him.

41 years to Pauly Lama. At first I thought Pauly was telling Matt Talbot's story but it was his own. Incredible. He broke the chain of alcoholism in his family. Matt Talbot wore chains. Pauly breaks them. He counsels me and many others. What a gift to share sobriety with men like these.

The Meeting men:

The Ron-leads us into greatness right off the bat.

Jeff: Lt McFall is home. Love you Jeff.

Gregg: enough has been said about him I think.

Trevor: soon to be on the pro speaker circuit

John struggling but continuing to come back. Courage. Vulnerability.

Nick with heart on full display for all to see.

Scotty waddy do da-9th step healing beyond words.

Thomas: my Diamond Dog partner.

Andy: dammit Andy. makes me cry.

Alfred: kindness to all. Most importantly, to me. Now share with yourself.

Michael: our fearless leader. Lifelong lessons learned.

Tom: first time Matt Mn! Welcome and come back.

Mark: the oldest Matt Talbot number in the room.

Shane: “I was eating out of dumpsters mom. This tastes fucking great!”

Shane’s share blows my doors. Absolutely fucking beautiful.

Sam he is IS BACK BABY!

Robbie. Robbie sandwiched between his first drink and his last with Andy and Wayne. Remembering brother Graham. Amazing.

Kevin. You’re one of us now Kevin. You’re stuck with us.

"All Day" Paul. Who is sweeter than this guy?

Carlos mentions Korean Dan. It takes me back to Bill O’Brien and Korean Dan. Jew Doug was born. Laughter ensues. Lifelong friends cemented.

Dave: I blacked out after he said ablations. Let’s not talk about ablations please.

Matt: Santa Matt AND Dave were supposed to be here apparently.

Tugboat Doug shares his pain mixed with beauty and love.

Pauly Lama: what more can we say about this guy? The best hug in the room.

John: his temporary sponsor 17 years running. Do not sign anything John! And what a dating profile.

David: getting real. And in David fashion getting sarcastic. Take my advice. I’m not using it.

And last but not least, RON! Abandoned at the beginning of the retreat and left for dead by my ex roommate. My first victim on the bike. My best friend. My confidant. Always in my corner. Always.

I didn’t want any of this. If I had it my way, all of this would never have been. Somehow, it occurred. Through incredible turns of events that had to happen exactly as they unfolded. Alvaro tricking me into coming and insisting on paying my way. I find my way home to best friends and a new found freedom through sarcasm and sickness.

I am reminded of something someone once said at a meeting years ago that I wrote down never to be forgotten:

“I said a prayer I didn’t mean, to a God I didn’t believe in. Asking for help I knew I didn’t deserve. And got results I couldn't deny.”

Matt Talbot 110 rides again.

Good morning everyone.

Step 12 is in a few hours.

I’m starving.

Thank goodness breakfast is first.

Step 12 will have to wait.

Day 3

Step 12 -- the service step

Anonymity - anyone can do it. The principle of anonymity is about me being an alcoholic.

My profession is not important. That’s what separates us. Makes me more important. More successful. Better than you.

I’m just an alcoholic. No better. No worse. No credentials necessary. Experience, not opinion.

My sobriety’s not about me. I am just the messenger. Remember Milt Loring speaker tape. I don’t make the pizza. I just deliver it.

Principles: Selflessness - relief from the bondage of self

Responsibility - for that, I am on responsible

Generosity - I only get what I give. Giving = getting

Entitlement is the enemy of gratitude.

Why do you always call me second? Instead of finding someone who has what you want and taking from them, find someone who needs what you have and give it away to them.

Quit trying to take from people. Start giving it away.

I woke up in a bed I didn’t make. In a house I didn’t build. Eating food I didn’t harvest or prepare. Driving a car I didn’t work on. With fuel I didn’t drill for. I am dependent on others. I am grateful not entitled. Just because I have money in my pocket doesn’t mean I’m entitled.

And many more gifts, too numerous to list.

Much love,

Doug Morgano

Room 213

11/10/24

3:08 AM PST